this morning i awoke from a slumber that was so deep and restfull.
i woke with no ryhme or reason.
i just woke up.
still exhausted at 5:30 this morning.
today feels diffrent.
not a good diffrent.
i saw an old friend around 7:30am.
the kind of old friend who when they see you they get so excited they can barely contain themselves.
only.
he didn't.
and it broke my heart.
i felt like an obligation. and i wanted to cry.
he tried to redeme himself to no avail.
it was already awkword. painfully awkword.
i cried the entire way home.
not because of him, but what iv become.
and its not just a mother.
it's who iv become.
a shell of my former self.
a weak shell, cracked and held to gether with scotch tape.
i can't stop crying now.
i put the baby down.
and went onto the balcony to have a smoke.
as i smoked i cried.
and removed peices of myself because they no longer seem to fit.
first was my septum ring, then my plugs.
i held them loosely in my hand almost wishing the wind could by some chance blow them away.
right now all i can taste is salty tears.
im so lost i don't know what to do.
about anything.
i hear all the things my friends say.
and i cherish it all as good advice. but i have no idea if i'll actualy take it.
there's a pain in my chest right now.
and i feel a hole growing where my heart usto be.
even though this holds nothing on the high school experiance.
or my unbelieveably embarseing youth.
this may possibly be, the most awkword stage of my life.
maybe its because i'll be turning 25 soon.
im not sure.
i just don't know.

for the first time.
in my whole life.
someone's in love with me.
or he thinks he is at any rate.
and the thing is, he doesn't get me.
he doesn't understand me.
and honestly i don't need to be compleatly understood.
because i don't even understand myself.
but i need to be taken with a grain of salt. or as a grain of salt. how ever that phrase goes.
i mean lets be honest here.
im a pritty confuseing person.
but it's because im confused.

the people who "get me" don't fucking understand half the shit i squak about.
but it doesn't matter. cause they get it.
they get that this is me.

and the truth.
iv tried to be "normal"
iv tried to fit in.
trends don't work on me.
ideals do.
not psudo-intulectual ideals.
not manifistations of politics.
simple ideals.
human nature.
people.
watching them.

i can look at him, and see him.
i can look at him and see through him.
i can see his addictions.
i can see his bruised and tortured heart.
i can see how growing up in a broken home as distroyed him.

and i love being able to see it.
because its human.
but i also see his weak character.
his anger.
his rage.
i can see his mind and how it only goes to the surface.
and that, i can take as a friend or an aquantance.
but not someone that i want to marry or spend the rest of my life with.
and iv got no idea how to do it.
how to tell him.

whenever i say something remotely negative about us, he gets this lost sad puppy look on his face.
almost like he's practiced it a million times over.
but almost like its really genuine.
and he really just doesn't understand.

fear sparks confusion.

there's nothing to truely relate to anymore.